Life Struggles

Sometimes, life just hit you like  a hurricane, no warning, no time to prepare.  It's so dang hard to even express how I feel sometimes because I have no one to talk to close enough to share some personal thoughts.  

Sometimes, I feel suffocated, I can't breath.  I have bad thoughts that I'm trying really hard to fight and ignore.  I can't be this way.  

I think  if I die, I want to be with people that values me.   It's so tough feeling this way.  I'm not good saying what I want to say, sometimes the only way I could do it is through writing which sometimes I'm not allowed even.  

I feel like a failure when it comes to being a Mom.  Hubby and I raised two wonderful children but I feel like I fail them sometimes.  I 

I know my husband love me, like I love him and I have no problem with him.  He is a loving and supportive husband.  It's the only thing that keeping me to not do the awful thing that sometimes keep popping up in my head.  It is not fair for my husband, he is nothing but support me and love me for what I am.  Thank you hon!  Thank you for keeping me alive.

Fun Activities During Black Out #PowerOutage

I never thought I would experience a POWER outage here in the states but it did happen.  We lost electric on the 4th of February for  about 18 hours.  Usually, when we lost electric it doesn't last very long but this time, a couple of  transformers blew up due to freezing rain.  We had to bundle up to stay warm, it was  tough.  

classes were canceled the next day so we had plenty of time to kill.  We exercise to stay warm and  play some board games to ease the boredom.  Glad we had different kinds of board games at home.  We used to have a Friday-game-night when the kids were little but now that they're older, they have their own  stuff that they love to do that doesn't require Mom and Dad's attention anymore.

We always have a lot of snow here in the mountain state but I only saw a couple where  everything is frozen.

Frozen branches sure looks beautiful when the sunlight hits it.

Our bamboo forest are bent down every time there's a lot of snowfall.  

Winter is definitely cold as hell but it has its own charm.  

Losing electric is no fun but it's a blessing in disguise as it gave me an opportunity to bond with my kids by playing boardgames once again. I miss those times when they were younger and still wants to play with us constantly, it's very rare these days because they are so hooked on electronics and other teen activities that doesn't really require our attention.

Struggles with Capturing the Moment

 I really miss those years when my kids would ask me to take their [pictures because that is so hard to do now that they are teens.

This is what I get when I ask to take their pictures.  They hide their faces lol.

When I do manage to take it, they would say "Don't post it please?"  But hey, I'd like for them to look back on these moments captured when they're older and say, I'm glad Mom took a lot of pictures (I hope).

I can't believe that my little chubby baby is turning into a man.  His voice is as deep as his dad now.  Ahh time flies!

I'd love for my children to be confident of who they are.  It might be very biased for me to say this because I am their mother but to me, they would always look beautiful in my eyes.

I will keep praying for both of you to grow up well, to have your own family and be happy.  I'd cheer for your success as well.  

Covid Vaccine Mandate Sucks!

My husband has been stressing out about this vaccine mandate.   We thought that we won’t ever had to get it.   I’m not against vaccine but this covid vaccine didn’t really have the amount of time it needed to be properly tested.   Reading some of the side effects that vaccinated people are getting, it’s scary and some even died from it.   

Since it has been mandated, my husband don’t really have a choice but to get it if he wants to keep his job.  With the amount of time, the company gave them to be vaccinated, he didn’t have enough time to look for another job. So yesterday, he got his first dose of the Pfizer.  Now, he is so sick, just like when he got the virus plus his arm where the vaccine was injected is so sore.  I feel bad for him.  This vaccine mandate really sucks.   I don’t understand why this is being shoved down our necks.   Vaccinated people can still get sick so what’s the point really.  I hope that this doesn’t last very long.  He just got over the virus and now this.

UPDATE: January 2022

 The company lost a lot of valuable employees over this vaccine mandate so they lifted the requirement and doesn't require it now.  Hubby regretted getting it but it was for security reason of not losing his job.  I'm glad he only got the first dose though.

Covid Wrath

Hubby and I both got Covid.  He got it first and then I got it from him.  He has been feeling sluggish back in August so he booked an appointment to his doctor.  He went and get examined on the 16th of September and the doctor did not find anything wrong.  

This rock symbolizes my darkest days during covid and brighter days post covid.

The next week, he started having body chill.  I told him  to just work from home but he went anyway because he said he had a lot of things to do there.  He came home Monday with a little fever so I told him again to stay home on a Tuesday.  He went again but came home in the middle of the day because he was feeling terrible. He was burning up that night so I stayed up all night rubbing damp towel on his body.  He was miserable and I felt so bad and worried sick.  He went to the ER the next morning and tested positive with Covid.  His was different than mine, they call it Ronarrhea (Corona Diarrhea).  He recovered rather quickly with his.  By the end of the week, he was feeling better already after he received an IV and antibiotic.

I had a bad migraine when I came  home from school serving lunch on Wednesday.  I didn't really suspect it to be the virus because  migraine is just a part of my daily life.  The next morning, I still have the migraine but this time I have body chills already.  That was the start for me, I went downhill from there. My migraine was getting worse each day no matter how I tried to take care of it by taking medicine. I do however still able to do chores around the house despite the body ache.  

On the next week, I was bedridden already.  I started coughing and having shortness of breath.  On the 12th day, my husband took me to the ER because I started getting nauseous on the 10th day and I couldn't stand without getting dizzy.  Even just going to the bathroom was hard, I start hyperventilating when I go.  Mind you, our bedroom has a bathroom and it takes like 5-7 steps to reach it.  

You might think that I am making it it up but I'm not.  I couldn't do the simplest things like drinking.  When I try to drink, I suffocate.  I couldn't drink without panicking.    I tried to take shower but almost passed out twice.  I would go in the shower and a minute later, I was hyperventilating and couldn't breath, it was the scariest thing I've ever had to deal with.  I have never been that sick in my life.  This covid is nasty!

I was so dehydrated when I went to the ER, I didn't have strength because I wasn't eating either.  When I tried to eat, it just comes out few minutes later.  With my luck, the ER was full that day, it took us almost 3 hours before I was finally seen by a doctor.  

The first nurse that came to take some blood from me had a hard time finding a vein in my left arm but she managed to get some blood.  It was a bloody mess when she got done.  She told my husband that she's going to send  another nurse to find a vein for my IV since the one she did was a mess. The second nurse tried twice but failed.   I hate going to hospitals for this reason, I don't like needles being poked in my body.  Finally, a younger nurse came and she was good.  She find one on my left arm but when they hook the IV it was very painful so she had to try again on my right arm.  At this time, I was praying for God to help the nurse find a vein.  She told me that since I was  very dehydrated, my veins are not showing up.  Both of my arms were bruised and very sore for few days.

Finally the IV was hooked up, I was so cold, my body was shaking the bed I was laying on because I couldn't stop shaking.  Not long after they successfully hooked the IV, I was sent to a lab to get an xray scanned on my body.  They administered something  into me through my IV that felt like I peed.  While I was being scanned, I was thinking, I hope I did not pee my pants.

When I came back to the room, they gave me an antibiotic after the IV was emptied.  I was drained and exhausted that I felt like I wouldn't be able to walk to the car.  I had pneumonia.  I took a set of antibiotic for 4 days.  It helped me a little.  I was still nauseous when I try to get up and walk.  It was frustrating.  The hardest part for me is when I would cough and and run out of breath and then I also have a bad migraine.  

It wasn't until the 4th week that I was able to get out of my bed without getting dizzy.  I was able to eat a little without vomiting.  While I was sick, I asked God to not let me have my period because it was super tough.  Grateful that he granted my wish.  My husband also told me not to ask God to take over his sickness  (I literally asked God to heal my husband and let me be the one to get sick). I'm sure God did not made me sick, I took care of my husband when he was sick so it made me sick.

It's the 4th week since I got sick and I can finally move around and do chores.  I still get shortness of breath when I go up and down the stairs but other than that, I am so happy that I am recovering.  I am glad that I don't get nausea anymore.  I still get migraines but it gets better when I take excedrin.  When the Covid was attacking my respiratory, nothing eases my migraine, it was so bad I was crying most of the times.

Here’s a thing, I lost my sense of smell when I was very sick. I couldn’t  smell anything, even my husband’s fart didn’t bother me.   I didn’t lose my sense of taste but I wasn’t able to eat, I totally lost my appetite so with that I lost 7 lbs!

Today, I wanted to test my strength so I went for a long walk.  Four weeks of not being able to do regular walks killed my soul.  I wanted to see if my lungs could take it and yes, I was able to  complete my route safely.  It took me a couple of hours since I was slow but glad to know that I can do it again.  I had to catch my breath on the uphill part of my walking path but I was okay.  I can say that I am 85% well now. 

Today I celebrate my new me.  I thank God for giving a second chance at life.  I really thought I was gonna die but God is good.  I thank my husband for being there for me, for my kids who prayed for my recovery, for friends who reached out and prayed for me, for friends who brought my family homecooked food when I was sick, and above all, thank you Almighty God for healing me.